Dick Fitswell explains why Henry VIII beheaded his wives by Jack Corbett

When Henry VIII faces a personal crisis, his double, Gonad Fitswell, steps in to fulfill royal duties in this humorous tale.

"You are not cured yet," Dr. Kwan lied to Dick Fitswell, as he lay on top of her with his big 18 inch cock plunged deep inside of her. "I still need to know if you can successfully copulate inside of me while you are thinking about other things. Today’s test is for you to tell me about another one of your ancestor’s sexual exploits while you maintain an erect penis while fucking me.

"Let me tell you about what really happened to King Henry the Eighth and his six wives," said Dick Fitswell. "And how back in the 16th century, my great ancestor, Gonad Fitswell, changed the course of human history. It all started when:"

Henry stood in front of a suit of armor he had been admiring. The royal armorer had set thirty suits of armor in the Tower of London’s East Wing. Out of these Henry was to choose one as the model for his personal custom armor which the armorer would build according to Henry’s specifications. Completely nude while he studied the suit of armor in front of him, Henry thought about how he always got a hard on whenever he fought in battle watching the enemy knights dressed in armor of every description. Mounted vertically on little platforms the suits of armor gave the impression that each one was inhabited by a knight. Henry noticed how the suit he was admiring had its arm raised upward holding a long sword as if it were a knight about to slash downwards on his enemies.

"This is the suit for me," Henry said to himself. "It’s giving me the biggest hard on of all." Like an irrepressible little boy Henry then made the biggest mistake of his life when he grabbed the armor’s other mailed glove and started to shake while speaking to the suit: "Thanks a lot old buddy. I’ll never lose a fight wearing an outfit like yours." Henry was over six feet tall and had a firm handshake. The suit of armor started to shake. Henry never saw the heavy long sword fall out of the mailed gauntlet as it fell across his erect penis. Before the sword hit the floor, it had whacked off the head of Henry’s penis.

Henry’s palace guard found him screaming on the floor in a pool of blood and summoned his physician immediately. Luckily for England the physician was able to stop the bleeding. Henry’s chief advisor, Cardinal Wolsey, was on the scene in minutes.

"Henry’s never going to be able to fuck again," the physician told Cardinal Wolsey.

"This is a devastating blow to the prestige of the crown and England’s reputation," Cardinal Wolsey exclaimed. We gotta do something and we have to do something fast. History’s not going to regard Henry as any sort of a man unless we can find a stuntman."

Ten thousand soldiers scoured England looking for one and found him in a pig sty screwing a slut on a bed of straw. Gonad Fitswell was the King of England’s double. Best of all, he had a thirteen inch penis.

The first of Henry’s wives Gonad Fitswell had to service was Catherine Arrogant. A staunch member of the Catholic Church, Catherine never enjoyed sex, and always insisted on Henry’s shutting off the lights when he banged her. She never noticed the difference between the "new" Henry and the old one when he came into the bedroom. And didn’t notice that the new Dick was thirteen inches long while Henry’s had been a much smaller nine inch woman prodder.

Whereas Henry usually snored up a storm, Gonad Fitswell never snored at all. Catherine had gotten used to Henry’s loud snoring and had found it soothing enough to lull her to sleep like a long forgotten lullaby. But Catherine had developed an acute case of insomnia ever since she had started sleeping with Gonad. One night it finally dawned on her that Gonad was not King Henry and she yelled out to him: "You motherfucking prick. You an imposter. Get out of my bed."

Something had to be done. Henry applied to the Pope for an annulment from Catherine since Catherine had been his father’s widow. When the pope refused, Henry said to Gonad: "Fuck the Church. We’ll start our own church. We will just call it Henry’s Church."

"Better call it the "Church of England," Gonad replied. "Then they won’t blame it all on you."

The new Church of England annulled Henry’s marriage with Catherine and the pope immediately excommunicated King Henry who by this time had Gonad Fitswell banging his second wife, Anne Boleyn. "Who gives a fuck about the Pope," King Henry told Gonad. You are screwing more women than anyone in Italy and my army can outfight those Italian cowards anytime."

The problem was that although Anne Boleyn had given Henry a female child through Gonad, who was later to become Queen Elizabeth, she had not produced a male heir to the English thrown. Henry confided in Gonad: "That Anne’s a real bitch, not giving us a boy child. We need to get a new woman, Gonad. For all I care she might turn out to be a Joan of Arc which is good enough for the pussy French, but we are Englishmen after all, and Elizabeth isn’t going to look very cool riding around in a suit of armor.

So they had anne beheaded on trumped up charges of treasonable adultery. Henry’s third wife, Jane Seymour, died during childbirth. King Henry and Gonad now chose Anne Cleves as Henry’s fourth wife but when they found she wouldn’t drink with the guys, Henry divorced her.
By this time Henry had become a fat fuck. The years had taken their toll and like a castrated animal, he had become corpulent. Gonad Fitswell, now in his fifties had likewise become a bloated remnant of his former self. Years of alcohol abuse had gotten the best of him and his once proud member had shrunk to six inches. Marrying Catherine Howard, a twenty year old palace tramp, Henry hoped to recapture the glories of his youth even if it meant having Gonad do his fucking for him. When Henry’s spies told him she was screwing all the palace guards, Henry got drunk with Gonad.

"She’s fucking around on you, Gonad," Henry told his friend.

"Which one of them is?" replied Gonad Fitswell.

"Catherine. She’s turned into the palace whore and that’s hurting my reputation."

"Not Catherine!" Gonad Fitswell exclaimed. She’d never want to fuck anybody but me."

"Well she is," said King Henry "and we have to do something about it."

"Come on Henry. She’s still a good fuck."

"Hey Gonad brains—a big dick you once had but it’s a good thing you were never king because your mind has always been smaller than your penis. The reputation of the crown of England is on the line here. I need to keep my reputation as a stud intact."

"What are we going to do then?"

"Off with her head. Just like we did with Anne. That always solves all the problems with women."

There was to be one more wife for King Henry. They say, she made him good coffee in the mornings. She was also a lousy fuck which didn’t matter anyway since Gonad Fitswell’s penis had by then shrunken down to only four and a half inches. Gonad Fitswell died at the age of fifty-five from alcohol abuse while Henry lived to be a very fat old man

"That really pisses me off, said Dick Fitswell. Even without half his penis King Henry the eighth came out of that story as a stronger character than Gonad Fitswell. What a disgrace to my name. I’m getting out of this Chinese dump and going to strike out on my own and create my own History. Besides, Gonad Fitswell only had thirteen inches. World....get ready again for Big Dick." Fitswell angrily jetted his semen into Dr. Kwan who hugged onto him forlornly, thinking: "I’ve lost him. What have I done wrong?"

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