Dick Fitswell Goes to Church
by Jack Corbett

"This is it. A perfect place for me, the world’s perfect fuck," Dick Fitswell nearly shouted aloud. Been here for one month now and who would believe it, that I’d finally find myself here in church." In the front row sat the ministers wife, a long legged blonde the shy side of thirty. "Do credit to any strip bar," Fitswell thought to himself. "I’ll bet she’s one tight babe. "Swear to God I’ll make her squirm before I leave these Protestants."

Since his first meeting with "God" Dick Fitswell was very thorough in choosing just the right Church for a man of his position. For the past five years he had been a marketing executive for America Online, which many of his colleagues in the computer profession had denigrated by calling it "Assholes Online, Always Offline, and other descriptive epithets so he always tried harder than his counterparts by being more thorough and careful in his chosen career to make up for the low esteem which he suffered from by working for AOL in the first place. He had analyzed over twenty-five congregations by going to a different church twice each Sunday. Whether the Church was Methodist, Episcopalian, Lutheran, or the Church of England for that matter had little part of his analysis. What counted was which denomination had the most babes of all ages, excepting the elderly. He had finally settled on a lively Church which called itself, "Brotherly and Sisterly Love for Everyone". He had never heard of it before but its Congregation numbered over three thousand and it had two services each Sunday not counting Wednesday and Thursday evening services for the night owls.

The minister and his wife impressed him the first time he saw them. "Good looking couple, Dick thought, "but the minister’s obviously a pussy. Or he wouldn’t be a minister in the first place.  I gotta help this woman who got stuck with him by showing her what a real man’s all about."  He marveled at her long trim legs and tight little ass remarking to himself—"She’s a goddess if I ever saw one. Venus on earth.  Bet I can become a God with her."

"I"ll bang her or my name’s not Dick Fitswell," he vowed.

The second thing that impressed him the most was the large percentage of High School aged kids.  Hundreds of them and they usually sat a few pews back. It had taken him twelve weeks to find the right church.  He promised himself that he would become a church leader in less than six weeks feeling he had no time to lose.  Four weeks had passed and he felt he had made little headway in his quest. Then he saw his chance.  They were counting the offering money.

Like most churches, the Church of "Brotherly and Sisterly Love for Everyone" always had at least two members from the board of Trustees count the money.  It was too much of a job for one person given the congregation’s size and having at least two counting the offerings minimized the risk for embezzlement.  He had noticed that a man and a woman were responsible for counting the congregation’s money in one of the back rooms but the man had a known drinking problem.  The woman was in her early thirties, and was twenty pounds overweight and fuckable Dick had decided but barely.  He had started talking to her the second Sunday he had come to Church, being careful to arrive half an hour before the service started. The man who normally counted the money with her wasn’t in sight.  "Probably too hung over to show up," Dick Fitswell remarked to himself, "which opens her up to the great Fitz persuader, "my fourteen inch prod."

Observing at the end of the service the woman’s eyes searching the congregation for her companion, Dick ran up to her, trying to show just the right amount of compassion in his eyes. He had practiced before the mirror in his bathroom until he had mastered the technique of causing his eyes to water just the right amount.  "Moist eyes appeal to a lot of women," he had decided "since it makes them feel that I am a caring kind of man."

"Gloria. Need some help counting the church’s money?  Seems you are short handed."

"Jim’s not here. Yes. It takes us an hour to count and to record the money.  By myself it takes twice as long.  Thank you."  Although Dick wasn't a trustee and therefore shouldn't be counting the churches money, she respected him because he worked for AOL which she knew all about since she used AOL to get online whenever it let her connect.   "Why try anything else?"  she had told her closest friends who were now in rehab.   "It works." 

He followed her into the little office they used to count the money, one of four offices the minister used depending upon what mood he was in. Each office had a different kind of wall paper adorning it which the minister had carefully chosen to replace the painted walls his predecessor had left him. Fitswell found himself in the office that had pictures of ships at sea in its wall paper, all of them being 19^th century and early twentieth century warships. "Probably had this wall paper installed to add some excitement to his obviously boring life," Dick thought to himself.

A quick study, Dick Fitswell caught on quickly to the business of counting the church’s money. In an hour and ten minutes they had completed the job. "Time to make my move," Dick decided then prayed silently:  "God, please do not let my dick get soft.  I am your servant and my time of need hast arisen."

Gloria wasn’t up to his usual standards—he had fucked so many beautiful women.  He had decided that first day he met her that his biggest challenge would be getting a hard on.  Dick Fitswell immediately started thinking about someone else-------the woman he had fucked from the Country Western Bar.

"It’s working. It’s getting there," he said aloud.

"What’s working or getting there?" Gloria asked.

"I don’t know if you would understand," Dick replied.

"Try me. You might be surprised."

"I feel different than I’ve ever felt before. As if for the first time in my life I feel that I’m really part of something that’s really meaningful," said Dick as he once again brought the moisture into his eyes hoping she’d see a hint of sincerity in them that he knew never existed.  Dick had also practiced talking to his mirror so that using words like "I feel" became a part of his his normal conversation with women.   "Gets them every time," he told himself.  Because most of them don't want a man who's really a feeling kind of guy....it's the words that get to them...Words that ring in their ears instead of their hearts.  "I feel.   I like it."

"I know what you mean, "Gloria replied. "I was like that when I first came here. I felt so lost and bewildered. I had felt that I had never done anything important with my life until I became involved here."

"I feel like that now," Dick said softly. "I feel like a boy again. As if life was suddenly renewed and bursting up out of me," he continued as he slowly spread his legs while still thinking about the blonde from the country western bar. As he spread his legs Dick Fitswell very subtlety cast his eyes downward in his bid to come off as being shy and modest. But he knew all too well how her eyes were following his and felt them boring towards his groin, seeing the huge bulge in his pants.

"I’m sorry. I don’t want to offend you, Gloria. Since childhood I’ve suffered from a rare affliction. I get an erection whenever I feel overcome. When I get excited about anything. My doctor told me it’s very rare. I’m embarrassed."

"Oh don’t be. For a moment I thought you were thinking about something else."

"I wouldn’t do that," Dick lied. "Not in church. But you are a very attractive woman. I didn’t mean to say that you weren’t."

"You really think so?" Gloria asked. "I haven’t had a man tell me that in years. Or one who really meant it."

"Well, I mean it Gloria. And I did lie a little bit. I am very excited about being here. About counting the church’s money with you.  Something so important. But you have something to do with it too. I just can’t help myself."

"Do you really mean it, Dick? Are you erect partly because of me?"

"I have to admit it, Gloria. And I feel terrible about this. It’s just not right. Not here. Not our being in church. And while we are counting the money."

"Oh Dick. Please don’t worry about it. If it happens it happens. I am sure that if God meant you to hide it He would have hidden it for you."

"It could be worse. If I was really concentrating my thoughts on you it would be much bigger. But I kept shaking it off.  I kept thinking about God but as you can see it hasn’t worked out all that well."

"Dick. There is no harm thinking about someone you find attractive. I am sure God meant it this way," Gloria replied as she looked at the huge bulge in Dick’s pants and wondered what it looked like.

"Is it wrong for me to concentrate my thoughts on you?" Dick asked. "Here. In the ministers office?"

"I don’t think it is. It is not wrong to think good things about others. Are you thinking good things about me, Dick?"

"I am and I will try. I am thinking about you now. You work so hard. You are so good. You are so selfless by devoting your time towards counting the church’s money."

"I really try to be at my best, Dick. It makes me feel good helping others.  Are you really thinking about me now?"

"Yes. Only about you. And I feel a warmness inside. You know how it is when you have a stiff drink.  And you feel that warmth hit your body for the first time?"

"I know the feeling. I used to be an alcoholic."

"I feel that way now.  And, I don’t know how to tell you this."  Suddenly Dick stopped talking knowing that the deliberate pause would effect her.

"Tell me what? You can tell me anything, Dick."

"Uhhhhh.......I am afraid to say it.  My penis. It feels warm. For the first time it feels good as if a surge of energy has come over it.  Something that is spiritual."

"Spiritual?  In your penis?"

"Yes. Ever since I was going through puberty, I’ve been cursed by an overly large penis. It often hurts. Even when I’m not doing anything with it."

"I’ve never heard of anything like that."

"Gloria. I hope we can be friends and that you won’t tell anyone about it," Dick Fitswell replied knowing all too well that she would and counting on it.

"About what?"

"My penis. Let me show you," said Dick as he slowly started to undo his zipper. "But we can’t do anything here. That would be wrong. But I want you to know."

Within seconds Dick had whipped his penis out then shyly looked up into her eyes. "Now don’t get the wrong idea.  I just want to show you", he said as he stood up from his chair then laid his dick carefully on top of the table where they had counted the money. "See how big it it?  I don’t want you to think I’m a pervert or anything but I’ve measured it and it’s fourteen inches long."

"That thing of yours is huge," Gloria explained. "You should feel lucky to have it."

"I am not lucky," Dick replied.  "See that big vein there. It’s much larger than it should be and my dick often hurts.  It’s a curse", Dick Fitswell lied.  

Gloria had never seen a penis close to its size before.  She was amazed at how knotty it seemed and how prominent the veins in Dick Fitswell’s shaft stood out."

"Touch it Gloria.  Right there on that huge vein.  You will feel why I am so often in so much pain."

Gloria hesitated at first, then gingerly laid two fingers on the vein in Dick Fitswell’s penis. Her fingers felt the blood course through the vein as Dick Fitswell became even more erect. Dick Fitswell’s mind started to race:  "I’m almost there.  And it feels so good to feel a hand on my dick. Any hand.  Any hand’s better than mine."

"Gloria.  That feels so good.  Your touch is so tender.  Do you mind if I put my whole dick in your hand?"  he asked as he picked up his penis in his left hand and jammed it up into her palm.  Gloria felt the involuntary stiffness start to well up in Dick Fitswell’s schlong.  She had never felt a schlong that large before.  It’s mere existence.  And its being in her hand.  Her hand. Caused tingles to ripple down her spine.  She immediately started to get wet.

"Oh God. Make me stop," she called out as she tightened her grip on Dick Fitswell’s penis."

"Gloria.  We aren’t doing any wrong," Dick said heatedly.  "If we were doing something God thought was wrong this would not be happening."

"I never thought about that, Dick", Gloria said as she started to jerk Dick Fitswell off.  "It must be God’s will then."

"He meant this to happen, Gloria.  He ordained our meeting.  Our being here.  He wants us to do it in this office."

"There can be no other meaning," said Gloria as she put Dick Fitswell’s penis into her mouth.

"Gloria. I don’t think you could possibly be aware of it but your mouth.  Your hand.  Your very presence has healing abilities."

The sheer enormity of Dick Fitswell’s penis in her mouth combined with knowing she was giving him a blow job in the minister’s office continued to send ripples of pleasure down her spine but the ripples became an electro magnetic feeling that soon spread to her privates. Within two minutes of her first puttting Dick Fitswell’s penis in her mouth, Gloria started coming. She had never felt anything like this before.  Her mouth started to chatter as her legs went out of control, her body shuddering and shaking as her teeth tightened, then loosened, then tightened again into Dick Fitswell’s swelled up member.

Dick Fitswell gently took her head in both his hands, then shook his head at her as he said, "It’s wrong Gloria.  Wrong that I come into your mouth.  You must become one with me." Then he picked her up in his arms and carefully laid her out on the table.  Thirty seconds later now undressed Gloria took  Dick Fitswell’s penis straight up between her legs.  It took Dick ten minutes to come.  After he shot his wad into her Gloria jumped up from the table.  For a moment she felt dirty.  Then she saw Dick Fitswell’s ejaculate on the minister’s desk mixed with what had just seeped out of her.

"Dick. Look what we have done?  We have both come all over his desk.  I think we should clean it up."

"It is good," Gloria. It is good that we both have come.  I think we should leave it."

"You are right, Dick. Let’s not clean it up."

"Wait a minute, Gloria.  Get a towel.  We are wrong."

As she was cleaning up the minister’s desk with toilet paper she had found in the bathroom, Dick continued, "The minister seems to be a stick in the mud.  We can’t warn him about what we are up to."

"And what is that?"

"You feel good and I feel good.  So what we have done is good.  We should be spreading our joy throughout the congregation.  Anything less is a selfish act.  We cannot be selfish, Gloria, but I don’t think the minister will like our doing what we have to do. T hat’s why we cannot leave our come on his desk."

"I never thought of it that way, Dick.  The minister really isn’t any fun.  It looks like it is up to us."

Dick Fitswell thought of that night four weeks ago that he had met Harry in the passenger car of the train he had used to escape from Canada back to the United States.  Harry who was God or what Dick Fitswell thought God is.  "Thank you Harry", Dick Fitswell said aloud as he lifted his eyes to the ceiling of his apartment.  You have brought new meaning to my life and have made me realize how selfish I have been.  You are right. I need to spread myself around.  And only in giving of myself to as many as possible can I find eternal happiness in "The perfect fit."